Le Biftheque - Montreal, Quebec

RETURN? Not by choice, but I suppose yes

I received the fateful text on a fine Tuesday evening. "Guys, it's my boyfriend's birthday this Saturday. I am thinking of hosting a surprise party at Le Biftheque. Be there for 8:00 and don't be late!"

Le Biftheque is well known 'round these parts and seems to have two reputations: Either it elicits a reaction such as "It's the best place in the city," or something along the lines of "It's gross. Never go there." I, however, had never been. I always wanted to see it, with those weirdo cows just standing in front of the place each time I am on my way to the airport. After having eaten there, where does my stance lie? Somewhere in the middle. Little did I know my meal would be replete with mystery items!

We arrived at 8PM, the birthday boy got there at 8:30, and we waited until 9PM to order from the late night (read: cheaper) menu. It seemed like a pretty good deal: $16 for an onion blossom (per table), an appetizer, an entree from a selection of eight, and a mille feuille for dessert.

First came the onion blossom. Let me preface by telling you all how absolutely excited I was to try this item. Deep fried delights are my favourite of all the world's delights, and with the natural sweetness of cooked onion, it seemed like it could only be a win-win. 

Onion Blossom

Ehhhhh. It wasn't bad but it wasn't exactly great either. While the majority of the blossom was decent enough, the bottom of each floret (which is attached to the root of the onion), hadn't cooked. So on the one hand you're eating something reminiscent of an onion ring, and then you get a taste (and whiff) of strong raw onion. I'm not a fan of raw onion so it's not something I enjoyed. To top it off, the sauce was weird. It tasted mostly like a dollop of horse radish mixed with a squeeze of ketchup. Waz it Heinz doe?

French Onion Soup

This soup, was, in a nutshell, nasty. And not the good kind of nasty. The cheese was alright, there was enough on it, but the onions were brown like soil and the smell of that shit-broth was nauseating. Tasted like soup packet. Nuff said. 

Next in line, after the so-so onion blossom and the abysmal onion soup (I don't think I had more than 3 spoonfuls -- even that was generous!) came the main course. I ordered the skirt steak with a baked potato.... and what I got, and what everyone else who ordered the skirt steak got, was another item on the menu called the NY Strip with Pepper Sauce. Whatever. I didn't even bother to complain. The waitress was a surly middle-aged lady who would have fought with me, and my standards had already declined since having ingested the onion soup. I figured I'd just cut my losses and eat what they gave me. The potato was great, the meat was alright, but that sauce was a no go fo' sho'. I couldn't even taste it, because it was so grainy with the raw flour they had used to thicken the base. It wasn't unpleasant, it just wasn't good. 

"Skirt Steak"??

Next on the docket was a dessert of mille feuille, which in French means thousand papers. I was excited to eat it because I do enjoy my desserts, especially mille feuille. But as pictured below, there weren't a thousand papers. There wasn't even a one. Instead, what we got was a layer of custard, a layer of some type of lighter cream (I'm guessing pastry cream?) a very thin layer of crumbled graham cracker, topped with the sugary icing. Well, it wasn't mille feuille, but whatever it was, the best way I can describe is "pretty alright." It was clearly one of the top items from the menu.

"Mille Feuille"?

All in all, the meal was alright. I would never choose to go there on my own, but if I were to be invited to another party, I would go. 

ADDRESS: 6705, Chemin de la Cote de Liesse, Saint-Laurent, QC

Dic Anns - Montreal, Quebec

Return: No

This wasn't my first time at this Montreal institution, but it'll definitely be my last. Each time I dine here, I am left disappointed. I keep telling myself "Next time it'll be better." But it never gets better. It really never gets better. Never ever. Why never?

Umm excuse me, OQLF. There's English on this menu board. Please remedy the problem before Dic Ann's gets too carried away. I, for one, and shocked and appalled to see this sub-par language in my belle province.

Single Cheeseburger

My companion and I went on a shopping spree by Marche Centrale, and he mentioned he had never been to Dic Ann's as we passed it by. We decided to split a spur-of-the-moment single cheeseburger. He was excited to sample this Montreal staple, and I warned him that "it's not for everyone" rather than wisely just telling him "It sucks." 

Why did I do this? Well, it *is* a Montreal speciality, and it was pretty full of young people. I always assumed my taste buds are off.

Long story short, he took one bite, he grimaced and said "What's that sharp nasty flavour?" and he refused to eat any more of it. 

I need to learn to trust myself. 

ADDRESS: 1000 Rue du Marché-Central, Montreal, QC H4N 1J8

Restaurant Aux Vivres - Montreal, Quebec

RETURN? If I had to

This too-cool-for-school vegetarian restaurant has scared me since its opening. No meat? I don't know... but I have to admit, the appeal of a restaurant like this, for someone like me, are without a doubt the trendy hippies. Earth-loving, recycling, peaceful hippies... Even if, unbeknownst to them, their hippie choices can sometimes cause more harm than good (Example: Google "recycling fraud," "problem with organic fruits and vegetables"). Lololol.

Despite this, a very good and old friend from high school became a vegetarian quite a few years ago, and she has been raving about this restaurant for some time now. It would be wrong of me to deny her the pleasure of even a single Aux Vivres experience, so we decided to try it out on a Tuesday weeknight.

The decor of the place is bright and colourful, and is populated by a young crowd who are mostly tall and thin. Do they look attractive? Absolutely. Is it a promising indication of the sumptuous victuals to come? Sadly no.

Because I was in an uber-umami-craving mood, I decided to opt for the Thai Bowl which would come with a savoury peanut sauce. I thought it would satiate my craving and be filling at the same time.

Thai Bowl

The dish came with julienned carrots, pickled daikon radish, bok choy and some peanuts, laid on a bed of brown rice. If you're an astute observer, you'll see that a sprig of parsley was also present in the bowl. Now, in carnivorous restaurants (??), this would be considered a mere garnish. In this herbivorous restaurant, however, it seems like rice toppings are made up almost entirely of what would be considered garnishes at a meat restaurant, so it's not a waste of herb. I'm loving it. Loving it. 

Anyways, I poured the sauce over top the vegetables and mixed lightly, very ready to tuck into my full-flavored, deep, nutty, peanut sauce...

Bleh. There was no depth to this sauce. It was full of ginger and other sharp notes, it was runny, and just plain weird. It wasn't *bad*, but it was a one-dimensional, light sauce that didn't satisfy my craving. It has nothing at all to do with any Thai peanut sauce that I've ever had. This lame sauce, coupled with a bunch of vegetables made me feel like I was eating a salad and not a complete meal. 

Now I was in a pickle. I didn't love the dish, nor did I hate it, but at the same time I didn't want to disappoint my friend. So, I did what I thought was best: put on a smile, told her the truth as politely as I could, and demonstrated that I was open to try something else. And that is how I ended up ordering the faux cheesecake.

Faux Cheesecake

This cheesecake was incredible. Creamy, not too rich, and full of dairy flavour, but without the dairy!! I couldn't believe my taste buds! The crust was flaky, firm, and deeply delicious as well. The two made a perfect combo. However, I wasn't nuts about that cherry jam compote thing on top. It was way too sweet, too sour, too firm, and just didn't belong with the other two elements. I removed it and thoroughly enjoyed the remainder of my dessert.

All in all, I would return to this place. Although my bowl sucked and I felt lied to (don't call it Thai if it's not anything remotely close to Thai!), the well-executed dessert leads me to believe that this place has promise with their other dishes. I'm not particularly eager to try another main course, but if I were with a vegetarian friend and felt compelled to do so, I wouldn't put up a fuss.

ADDRESS: 4631 Boulevard Saint-Laurent, Montreal, QC

Restaurant Sesame - Montreal, Quebec

RETURN? No thanks!

This seems to be a local lunch hot-spot for people who work in the Vieux Port area of Montreal. I would describe it as upscale Asian lunch-line food, with Chinese-Thai-Vietnamese inspired fare. In other words, confused. Don't expect experimental cuisine, but hopefully you can expect a decent meal for your unsophisticated Western palette.

I went here on two occasions, the first being for Poutine Week. I ordered their advertised Shaolin Poutine two weeks ago for the fair price of $10. What I got were crispy fries, a whole lot of delicious vegetables (peppers, onions, button mushrooms, some green onion slivers), panko-encrusted golden pork globules, cheese curds, and Asian-inspired gravy. While the gravy wasn't the best tasting thing I've ever had (something about sesame oil or peanut sauce and cheese just don't mix) I do have to admit that the dish was deliciously light. Whenever you eat poutine, your stomach usually ends up feeling likes it's carrying a ton of bricks because the dish is so fatty. After I ate the Shaolin, though, I felt great. For this reason alone I would order it again rather than a traditional poutine in order to satisfy my craving for that heavenly dish. Unfortunately, the Shaolin didn't make it to the regular menu.

The second time I went to Sesame, I ordered the Peanut Chicken. Bleh. Never again. First of all, the dish was more full of rice than anything else. The sauce was indeed tasty, peanut-y and rich, but the chicken tasted weird. In fact, it tasted like those Maple Leaf chicken breasts you used to buy from the grocery store, and once you got to cooking it you'd realize that all you paid for was water weight because it would all gush out of the breasts and into the pan. The weirdest part, though, was that it would have this greyish tint, and you'd feel like Maple Leaf gypped you by injecting the meat with water just to make the meat heavier and you would have to pay more, but for less! So much less! I mean, I know many chicken manufacturers do that, but they kind of know their limits. Not Maple Leaf. Leafie thought it knew better. The chicken would take old and flavourless, the grey watery broth was vomit-inducing, and you just wanted to cry yourself to sleep in the kitchen corner out of hopeless surrender. No thank you, Maple Leaf, no thank you.

Didn't Maple Leaf go bankrupt??

Did I say "Maple Leaf" enough times in this post?

ADDRESS: 380 St Jacques St W, Montreal, QC

Boccacino's - Montreal, Quebec

RETURN? Yes

Okay, rant time. Normally, Boccacino's is alright. It's that same type of chain that provides typical North-American-take-on-Italian fare for lunch and dinner, with seriously KILLER breakfasts. Seriously, I love their breakfasts. The price is right and the quality is spot-on. If you're feeling nasty, order the Bocca Skillet OMG.

But dang gurl. I went the other day to have lunch with friends and I wanted a light salad, but I also wanted to have some of my weakness AKA fried chicken. So I opted for the best of both worlds and ordered the Asian slaw with panko-breaded chicken breast on top.

What a mess. First of all, the chicken was either pounded so thin or so overcooked that it was flaking at the touch of my fork. I had to resort to scooping it up like a spoon. What the frig?! Why?! It was so weird!

But more important, the "slaw" was nothing more than a few slivers of red cabbage and a boatload of minced green onion! What an outrage. The flavour was so raw I couldn't even eat it. I have provided a photo for your viewing pleasure (or disgust). Please never ever ever order this unless you love raw spring onion. But honestly, who does this these days? No one, that's who.

ADDRESS: 1251 Avenue McGill College, Montreal, QC, H3B 2Y4

i-Ching Cafe - Montreal, Quebec

RETURN? Yes, but only if I am in the area

This vegetarian Chinese/Vietnamese place was pretty interesting. With its white tablecloths and clean, modern interior, this place was no hole-in-the-wall, but the low prices found on the menu indicated that there was no fine dining to be had. Why were my friend and I here? Because he had purchased an online coupon for a generous discount on the final tab. Neither of us had ever heard of the place, and a google/urbanspoon/yelp search yielded no results. Basically, we were venturing into undiscovered territory. Call us Indiana Jones. No, I'll be Indiana Jones, and my friend can be his hat - personified.

We started our meal with the basic (and pretty obvious) selection of one spring roll, to share, and one egg roll, also to share. First came the spring roll. The roll itself was decent (pretty hard to screw up a non-cooked, roll-only item), but as you can see in the photo, it was way too full of lettuce, such that it was hard to eat. I think I almost dislocated my jaw trying to open for a bite. Annoying? Entirely. Special mention, however, must be given to the peanut sauce. Nutty, sweet, spicy, deep... simply delicious. The only comment I made to my friend was "I want this stuff in a  glass." - So I can drink it! Get it?

Next came the hot egg roll. I just didn't get the chef's interpretation of this dish. The inside was entirely mushy rather than soft but still with a bite. Further, it was swimming in some watered down plum sauce, which made the otherwise crispy outer shell quite soggy. Unfortunate, because my favourite part about an egg roll is the crisp factor, which I dunk into the thick, sweet plum sauce. All in all, I wouldn't order this appetizer again. And WTF is up with that lonely sprig of parsley? You know how I feel about edible garnishes.

Thankfully, the main dishes were the stars (and saviours) of this meal. I had ordered pan-fried noodles with vegetables, and my friend had ordered the spicy soup with dumplings and buckwheat noodles.

First, my noodles. Usually, everyone knows that a fried noodle dish is coated with a nasty layer of grease, which when ordering you forget about, but once the dish arrives you are reminded and go "Uggghh I forgot again!? Dagnabbit!" This dish, however, was the lightest that I have ever had: no oil left over on my plate! The flavours were clean, crisp, and replete with delicious fish sauce. The vegetables were fresh and crispy, and the noodles light and chewy. It was a joy to eat.

I wasn't really able to ask my friend if he liked his dish or not because his senses were so immersed in it that he couldn't tear himself away for a single moment. I take that as a good sign. The sauce was spicy, the broth clear with sharp umami flavours, the dumplings homemade and delicious, and the buckwheat noodles a delightful addition to slurp up.

Here's the thing...while our main dishes were great, they didn't inspire great love. Great like, yes, but no love. Neither of us live particularly close to this restaurant. Is it worth a long venture out? No. If I'm in the area, though, I would definitely consider passing by.


ADDRESS: 4242, Decarie, Montreal, Quebec

Juliette et Chocolat - Montreal, Quebec

RETURN? Yes

This is a popular spot for a mature, laid back crowd, from the bland-looking English major to Asian fashionistas.

I went with my chocolate-obsessed out-of-town companion. I thought he would enjoy the experience...

...Boy, was I wrong! The place was hopping but not *overcrowded*, and there seemed to be *at least* 7 or 8 staff members. Still, we must have waited 30 minutes to place our order, and, I kid you not, 2 hours to receive our desserts.

 

We got so bored of waiting that we forgot the exact names of our orders

Were they good? Yes, but definitely weren't worth the wait. So not worth the wait that I won't even bother to comment on them. The contained deeply flavourful chocolate, that's all you need to know. Nothing memorable and nothing worth what we went through.

Would I go back? Yes, but only because I've been there several times in the past and I know that today's service was atypical of what they normally provide. I don't really go solely for the food, I go for the food/thoughts of chocolate/being with friends who love chocolate.

ADDRESS: 1615, St-Denis, Montreal